The Happy and the Sad

Originally posted on previous blog on May 31, 2016
If you are a subscriber or follower of my YouTube page, you may have seen that I posted a video last week discussing the emotions that I am still experiencing from the end of a relationship. If you are watching closely, you would notice that the video is now gone.
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The Thumbnail of the video before it was removed.

As I stated in the video, I did not know if I was going to put the video up. And when I did, I was flooded with emotions. I was anxious, scared, sad, happy and relieved all at the same time.

Anxiety overcame my senses, knowing that my video was not a happy moment. I was nervous of what would come of the video. And then there are the people in the world who normally are too quick to judge, immature, or malicious to strangers for no reason.

I was scared. I knew before pressing publish that there would be people who would attack me personally and my video without watching the entirety or just out of boredom.

Sadness had overcome my emotions while filming the video and when I confided in a friend on the subject if I should publish it, I was sad because it resonated with her. She wrote me a beautiful text that was so long the iMessage put a little arrow after four sentences and it opened in a separate window.

But I was also happy. There was a weird sensation in clicking the keyboard to make the video live. I felt like I was not hiding a part of myself from those who followed me, including family and friends.

And I was relieved… so relieved. I felt like the video allowed me to breathe. I took what I had been hiding from the world and thrust it into the public. I no longer had a side of me that was a touchy and taboo topic. I am free.

My goal with my channel, and my blog, is to not put on a show each time I film but rather to catch life as it is. Life—as explained in my video—is comparable to a roller coaster in New Jersey named Kingda Ka. Once the fastest, tallest roller coaster in the world, looking up at the top hill from the ground is terrifying. Life itself can be terrifying.

As you wind your way through the queue to the front of the line, a sign catches the attention of those bravest enough to conquer this monster. Paraphrasing, it says that the launch mechanism to power the cart over the hill sometimes does not make it. If this happens, the sign explains, the cart will roll backwards, set again, and attempt to launch over the hill for a second time.

This is a perfect simile for life. The hill can be hard to power over on the first try. However, if we roll backwards we should not give up. Instead, we should set ourselves to try again.

Unfortunately, I have chosen to make the video unlisted. I am glad I published it as some reached out to me, letting it know it helped them in addition to me. However, a pesky, immature and judgmental group of people found the video. It was clear by most comments that they did not bother watching the entirety of the video nor read the description before posting their two cents.

Let me clarify: I believe that everyone has a right to his or her opinions and to express them. This is why we have free speech. However, and this is a huge however, the opinion is not justified and is childish if there is no attempt in researching or understanding. In this case, you deserve to have your comment deleted and reported and your name to be stripped of credibility.

I also want to point out that the majority of these comments came from people with no account information other than a name. But a name can go a long way. In studying public relations, a lesson I have learned that resonates daily is how easy it is for people to find information on the Internet. With the first and last name, I was able to Google these, as they are well known, trolls.

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The name was all it took for me to uncover cities the person lived in, photos, social media, Linked In accounts, and more. What did I learned about the majority? They were men. Men who had nothing better to do with their time than to prey on a woman’s emotions and call her a “bitch,” among other names.

What is the lesson here? If you have nothing on your YouTube but the name from your Google e-mail, you can still be found. And I am not a background checker by any means, so imagine what they could find. If you do not have your real name, any social media or an indication to a place can help to track your information down. Is this scary? Yes, it is. It is terrifying that anyone can find so many details about your life without you intending them to. However, we cannot change what the Internet provides. Therefore, we must embrace that people may find our information.
When people search my name, or my YouTube channel, I do not want them to see such vile behavior towards another human being. Some may think that it is okay, but I guarantee you that the ones who do not are the ones who matter. If I was hiring someone for a position and I saw that type of behavior, I would shred the resume in an instant. No company wants someone who cannot keep uniformed and malicious opinions to themselves.

I also want to point out in–regards to my video–that I truly appreciate anyone who reached out to me through comments, messages and other social media to leave kind words or relatable information. If you are reading this and you were one of these lovely people, I thank you deeply. Your words meant more to me than I can express. The people like this are the people I share myself on the Internet for.

Maybe the video will be public again in the future, possibly when the fresh news of BFvsGF calms down. There are too many people flocking to watch because it most likely appears on suggested videos to what is popular or is being viewed now. The video did what I intended it to do; it helped me to heal and truly start to feel like I am moving on. I have felt better the last few days than I have in months. It also helped others and developed a more personal connection with those who are willing to tackle life with me.

Supportive Comments
Do not get me wrong; I am highly appreciative of receiving over 3,000 views in less than five days. I am beyond grateful for the support of both those who have been with me and those who have only just found me. I am ecstatic that the video helped me reach half a thousand subscribers.

Yet it was only going to get worse. While the comments may be reported, deleted and pushed aside, they still resonate in my head. I do not take it personally as I would not dare give these jerks that level of attention. However, it does make me question how people truly are if they act freely and under belief of no consequences on the Internet. I did not want the video that helped me so much to be torn apart by fearful and childish behavior. I want to share my feelings and life with those who care around the world, but not while others are struggling with the loss of BFvsGF’s channel and relationship. I do not want to piggyback off of such a sad circumstance in order to make my emotions clear. While it helped me to do it for this first time, I do not believe I will need that in the future. I know that there are people out there who care about me, and that is all I need to keep going.
This was long. If you made it to this, gold stars for you. (If only they were real and we could use them to redeem free Starbucks, right?) I honestly do appreciate if you read this and if you interact with me on here, YouTube, and other social media.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for caring. Thank you for being a part of my story.

Hugs and kisses,
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